I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
