Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
