I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize
