By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
