the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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