drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
