I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
