if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
