Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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