dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
