I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
