this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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