I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
