Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
