It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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