Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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