I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
This is the high leading the old right now
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
