I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
