She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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