One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
