Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
