nut hugger
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
