make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
