U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
