I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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