I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
