Even the bartender felt bad for me
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
