I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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