i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
