you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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