Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
3 2 1 whiskey
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
