At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
