i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
