i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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