My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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