i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
