Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
