Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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