Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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