just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
