I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
