i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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