Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
