Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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