Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
