My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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