My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
