Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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