Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
