i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
