Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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